Imagine a computer with Chrome that has 51 tabs opened. Yes. That’s how my brain works on a normal day since I can remember. When someone talks to me, my ears listen to you, my eyes move around (I can’t seem to maintain eye contact, ever.), my mind wanders–it notices the background noises, the commotion outside, that plant or book that is behind you, that little stain on your shirt, that unkept tiny little hair near your eyebrow, the color of your earrings. Not only that, as I listen to you, my mind wanders to our previous conversations, our future conversations – – what it would be like, the meal that I am about to cook, that shelf that I am about to fix, that plant that I forgot to water, and so on..and that’s just few of the many tabs opened in my mind on a normal day.
So, do I mean that I wasn’t listening the whole time you were speaking? Yes and No. I was listening, I understood 80-90% of what you said, but I also had other things in mind that I just can’t shut off.
I remember when I was young, my mom would always tell me that when she talks to me, “galutaw sa hangin” or that I do not seem to pay attention. When I was in college, bombarded with a lot of academic subjects, pressure here and there, I can’t deny that I really had trouble concentrating no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I pass the exams, sometimes I don’t. I can’t review sitting down, I have to lie down on my bed. My mind itches when I read while sitting down. I always wake up with notes on my face and netbook on my side.
With work, if I am given 4 tasks to be completed, I will start doing all of them at one time–jumping one task to another in a matter of minutes. My mind itches if I stay to only one task. If I only have one task to be done–it will never be completed. I want to finish it but I can’t, and I don’t know why. I should but I don’t. And I can’t.
What do I have? I do not know. I have a hunch, but it’s better to wait for a professional to give proper diagnosis (if this is indeed not normal) I have yet to look for a specialist.
There are only 5 things that I do that keeps me in one place – doing creative work on my laptop, cleaning, doing some home DIY or fixtures, gardening and babywearing.
I have been using Canva since 2018, thanks to a smart and good friend, who also introduced me to WordPress and blogging, Mary Seng. I do not have much but I got a premium account for this app because I use this app every single day–not just for my social media accounts, but for fun. It keeps me in the zone. Now, I also explored Filmora X, and I’m excited with more things that I could finish using this app.
With cleaning, doing woodwork or home fixtures, and gardening, a normal person, well at least in my perspective, do steps 1, 2, 3..so on..meanwhile,I do steps 1, 5, 3, 4,.. So on. But at least I stay in one place and finish the task. Again, my mind itches if there’s no variety.
Now, how did babywearing helped me? Babywearing, especially the use of wrap carriers, helps me focus on the steps, for each pass, for each strand, for each tightening system. I can’t jump from one step to another, or else my baby may fall down or I may not feel comfortable with the outcome. I feel this calming effect when thr fabric rubs on my body, sort of like a massage. It calms my anxieties. It makes me feel present as I notice the fabric touches my skin. So do I only use one technique? No. I also explore other styles and finishes, I just have to focus on the steps for me to arrive to the desired outcome.
At the end of the day, how do I feel? I feel more tired, mentally, when I do less. I feel tired when I do monotonous tasks. I feel tired with basic. And when I take a rest, I’m like a machine that needs some warming up first before I can get back to my fullest energy. I get tired physically too, with all the brainspace that I need to open and accommodate every single day. Since elementary days, I start to wake up from 12mn, then sleep then wake up at 1 or 2am, then sleep or just stay awake until about 5 or 6am, then that’s the time that I feel sleepy. By 8 or 9am, my mind is already asleep until 11am to 1pm. When I do creative work, I will not stop until I get satisfied with what I see, it doesn’t matter if it’s already 2am, if I feel that there’s something wrong, I will fix it until I can. Heck, i can even manage to be awake for more than 25 hrs..the longest time that I have been awake was more than 38 hours–and I was doing research that time, aside from I have trouble concentrating and understanding with just one read that I need to read it for like 3 or 4 times, I felt that research for me, that time, made me focused.
How about other things, aside from work? I tend to overthink and rejections hit my heart and mind the most. It lowers down my very low self-esteem and feeds my insecurities. I struggle with perfectionism that I have trouble starting a task in fear that it might get rejected, or in fear that it will not be good enough. It is not just the feeling of being sad..it is feeling like the world is about to fall apart–that’s how it affects me. I’m ok when someone corrects my work, but rejection is another form that gets my anxieties up–i can’t sleep, eat, cant focus, my mental health becomes compromised, going into another fullblown double depression, and so on..
My point is, babywearing isn’t just for convenience or for confidence, for some, like me, it’s a way to keep us in the zone, practice focus, relieve anxiety. It allows me to do multitude of tasks my brain craves, while I still tend to my children’s needs.
How about you, how did babywearing helped you?
Babywear Smart 